Jack sat at a table in the nearly empty commissary.

It was late afternoon; the lunch crowd was gone and it was still too early for dinner. His head pounded with tension, feeling like it was going to explode any second, but that was nothing compared to the ache in his chest. Popping two aspirins into his mouth, he followed them with a sip of his coffee, which was bitter. At least he'd be able to do something about the headache.

Daniel should be here soon. What had happened on P5S-381 needed to be dealt with, and an informal, rather than a formal, chat would hopefully keep things calm. There was an all too likely possibility that he'd do irreparable damage to his friendship with Daniel if he let him have it privately. Avoiding that was worth the risk of talking in public.

Daniel came through the door looking a little tired, worn out, or perhaps just down. Coming off that adrenalin rush could be hard on a person, Jack thought snidely, a surge of anger spiking through him. Daniel smiled at an airman going out the door and something dark flashed through Jack. Something he didn't have the time or energy to examine closely, not the way he was feeling right now.

Jack resolutely ignored his annoyance and everything else. Taking a deep breath and squaring his shoulders, he attempted a small smile in Daniel's direction. "Hey."

"Hi, Jack," Daniel said, smiling nervously as he sat across from him. He carefully set his nearly full coffee cup down. "Why in here?"

"It seemed like a good choice. And I wanted some pie." He held up his half-eaten dessert as a visual aid. Picking up his fork, he took another bite of the pie and ignored Daniel while he chewed it.

The silence went on too long.

"Um...is something wrong?" Daniel asked, his face showing nothing of what he was thinking. For someone as seemingly open as Daniel was, it always amazed Jack that he could hide what he was thinking and feeling so damned well.

It pissed Jack off even more. "No. Of course nothing's wrong. Why would you think that anything was wrong?"

"Your tone of voice might be my first clue. Look, why don't you tell me whatever it is and get it off your chest?" Daniel leaned his elbows on the table and looked at Jack, waiting.

Jack wasn't having any of that shit. Daniel knew what this was about and Jack didn't appreciate the games. "Cut the crap, Daniel."

"You know, I think if anyone's got a right to be angry about what happened on P5S-381, it's me." Daniel licked his lips, projecting quiet hurt.

Typical. So typical of Daniel. He always had to be the wounded party. Jack shook his head disbelievingly and took another bite of pie, but he'd lost his taste for it. "And why would you think that?"

"Perhaps because I was the one who was going to die when you pressed that button." Daniel's eyes blazed for one second and then dimmed back to sullen hurt. "And I might add, *I* was following orders."

"Since when are your orders to risk your life like that?" Jack dropped his fork onto his plate, appetite gone completely. The sound echoed off the walls.

"My orders were to find a solution. And so were yours, for that matter."

"So, you're saying *I* wasn't following orders?" Jack kept his voice down. Giving vent to his emotions would be a sure way of losing control of the conversation.

"That's exactly what I'm saying." Daniel pinned him with a sharp look. "I don't think that blowing up the ship was quite what the General had in mind."

"And what would you have had me do? Let the Enkarans be killed? Let them be wiped out in favor of a bunch of freeze-dried aliens?" Jack simply could not believe that Daniel didn't understand the situation. Innocent noncombatants were his primary concern; he was charged with protecting them and he would do that first, to the best of his ability.

"If you'd trusted me--"

"Trust isn't the issue here. The issue is your going back to the ship knowing I was going to blow it up." Jack shuddered, a flash of agony rushing through him again as he remembered Daniel saying, "Take me with you," to Lotan.

"If I had followed orders, the Gadmeer race would have been lost forever. I thought they had as much right to live as the Enkarans." Daniel's voice was filled with that pleading tone, the one that begged Jack to understand, the one that Jack found hard to ignore.

But he was going to make the effort this time. "It wasn't your choice to make. It was mine." That was the issue. Daniel had simply ignored Jack's authority yet again. While the situation had worked out, in this case, the ends did not justify the means.

Daniel shook his head, his face grim and unyielding. "No, actually, it wasn't. I found a way to make it right for both of them." He looked at Jack again. "And that's your problem, isn't it? You're angry because I was right again."

Jack took a breath and bit back his anger. "Not at all. I'm glad it worked out. I'm glad that both races found a way to compromise. But that doesn't negate the fact that you disobeyed my direct orders."

"Um..." Daniel paused and licked his lips again;, his brow creased. "Just what are you saying, Jack?" he asked in an incredulous tone. "You don't really expect me to obey you like Sam does? And speaking of that, you had to know she didn't want to build that bomb."

"I don't care what she wanted. Only what she did." Actually, that wasn't true. He did care, and he would try to make it right with Carter as soon as he could. But that wasn't the point. "She followed orders. She's a good solider."

"Unlike Daniel, who is not a solider at all," Daniel pointed out archly, giving Jack a cold smile, his eyes flashing.

"You got that right," Jack muttered under his breath. But even as he said it, he knew he wasn't being fair. Daniel was a good soldier when he had to be; he could handle almost anything that was thrown at him better than most of the civilians they had on base.

Maybe that was the problem: he expected Daniel to be a soldier rather than just act like one. Again, that wasn't fair to Daniel.

Either way, Daniel wasn't having it. "Fuck you, Jack. I don't want to hear about what a lousy soldier I am, and I don't want to hear about how I've disobeyed your orders. Been there, done that."

Jack's sympathy for Daniel ran out there. "You keep forgetting that *I* am in command of SG-1. It's your job to do as I tell you."

Folding his arms over his chest, Daniel leaned back and just looked at him. "I do. Obey orders, that is. But in this case, I thought--"

"No, you didn't, Daniel. Not at all." Jack tried to tramp down his anger, but this time it wasn't going anywhere. He stared at Daniel, furious, and unable to contain it. "If you had thought, for one fucking second, you would have realized what an untenable situation you'd put me in, you bastard."

"Put you in?" Daniel shook his head, disgust on his face. "This wasn't about you, damn it, it was about what was right."

"Oh, I beg to differ with you. I was the one who was forced to give the order --"

"Jack --"

"Shut up, dammit!" Jack snapped, his already frayed temper unraveling completely. "Just shut up and fucking listen to me for once in your misbegotten life."

Daniel started to open his mouth to respond, but Jack held up a finger.

"Ah! I said you will listen and by god, you will. I had to push that button. I had to do it with the certain knowledge that I was killing you." Jack took a breath and closed his eyes for a second, forcing the bitterness away and fighting for calm. "Do you have any idea, any fucking clue, what that did to me?"

Again Daniel started to say something, and Jack cut him off.

"If I had actually killed you," Jack said in a low whisper, horrified when his voice cracked and then shattered, "If I had killed you, I would never have gotten over it. I would have grieved for you for the rest of my life."

With that, he pushed his chair back hard. The sudden movement echoed loudly on the concrete floors, stopping the conversations around them. Jack winced. Looking at Daniel, he saw the shock written across his face. "Never again, Daniel." He turned on his heel and marched out, his eyes stinging and his heart pounding, trying desperately to avoid eye contact with anyone.

Word of the blow-up would be around the base in a few hours. By tomorrow, everyone would be talking about it and speculation on what it had been about would be rampant. For himself, Jack didn't give a damn, but he knew Daniel hated being the center of gossip. For that he was sorry. He should have done it in his office. No, actually, he shouldn't have tried talking about it at all. He should have just let it go, taken a long weekend and gone fishing. Everything would have been fine -- or at least a semblance of fine -- by the time he got back.

Going back to his office was out. He was too stressed to work. And Daniel was all too likely to come after him there. He smacked the up button on the elevator. Time to go home.

*****

With a beer in his hand, Jack stared out at the fading sun, trying hard not to think of anything at all. He took a sip from the bottle, closing his eyes and letting the quiet of his house sink into him. In a little while, he'd be okay, able to face Daniel again. All he needed was some down time.

The hard knock on his door didn't come as a surprise, nor did the fact that after a few minutes of ignoring the pounding, he heard the doorknob turn. As the front door opened, he knew he wasn't going to get the time he wanted to work through his anger, and wondered briefly if he'd left the door unlocked on purpose.

"Go away, Daniel," Jack said as Daniel reached the living room and took a seat on his couch without being asked.

"I don't think so," Daniel said, in an amused voice. "How did you know it was me, anyway?"

Jack laughed unpleasantly, but refused to turn around to look at him. Daniel needed no encouragement. "Who else would it be?"

"Almost anyone." Daniel's tone was far too cheerful for the situation and Jack thought it must be forced.

He'd have to turn around to look at Daniel to know for sure, and he wasn't going to give him any reason to think he was actually welcome. "Right. I'm fine. Now, go home."

"Um..." Daniel hesitated, and seemed to be thinking about it. All hopes were dashed again when Daniel said, "Actually, I don't think I will."

"Daniel. Do you ever listen?" Jack asked, exasperated and unwillingly amused. There was something about Daniel's protective forcefulness that Jack found appealing, despite himself. However, the last thing he needed was to get into any kind of conversation before his anger wore off.

"I do sometimes," Daniel said, softly.

"Not enough. Not nearly often enough." Jack shook his head, admitting defeat to himself, and turning around to face Daniel.

Daniel smiled slightly. "I'm sorry. We…we need to finish talking."

"Not now, okay?" Jack sighed, rubbing his hands over his face. "I'm tired. And hungry. And I just want to be alone."

"I think...." Daniel hesitated again, and then continued, looking determined. "I think that we have to talk about this. Now. Not later. It's important."

"Why? What is one more disobeyed order to you, anyway?" It was more than that, and Jack knew it, and knew Daniel knew it too. It was too close this time, far, far too close.

"This time it's..." Daniel trailed off.

Glancing down at the carpet, Jack wasn't going to give an inch. He couldn't. If Daniel really wanted to push the issue, then he was going to do it without Jack's help.

"This time it almost cost my life. And you're upset about it," Daniel said.

No duh. "You're surprised that I am? I meant what I said in the commissary." Even though he hadn't meant to say it at all. Once said, he'd known how true it was, and now, Daniel did, too.

Tracing his finger over the design in the fabric on the couch, Daniel sighed sadly. "I'm sorry."

"You've said that." Jack believed him, knew Daniel was sorry. Not that it mattered for shit. "Now we've both said everything we need to say, so go home. Please."

Looking up at him, Daniel shook his head. "Um, actually, we haven't. I know why I did what I did." He made an impatient gesture with his hand. "But I don't know why you didn't trust me enough to work it out."

"I was out of options, out of time." Now, Jack was out of patience. "I had to make a decision. And I did."

Daniel made another gesture with his hands, holding them apart. "So did I. I had to try. I had to. I couldn't let a whole culture be lost."

"At the risk of your life?" That was what Jack could not accept. How could Daniel's life mean so little to him when it meant so much to Jack, and of course, to everyone else in the SGC?

"The Gadmeer culture is important." Daniel looked at him, his eyes pleading for Jack to understand.

Although Jack could appreciate what that might be worth to Daniel, it had no value to him, certainly not when it was held against Daniel's life. "Your life is more important to me."

"It was my choice to make."

"No, it wasn't. It was mine." One that he'd been forced to make. What he'd had to do had cut him deeper than any other command decision he'd ever had to make, including leaving Daniel on Klorel's ship. At least, then, he'd known he was going to die soon too, so he hadn't thought he'd have to live with the decision. By the time he'd realized he would live through that, he'd also known that Daniel had survived as well. This time had been different.

"I don't know how you can say that, Jack. It's my life. My ass on the line." Daniel's harsh tone pissed Jack off even more.

He snorted rudely. "Not when it's on my team. Your life and your ass belong to me."

Choking loudly, Daniel glared at him in what should have been anger, but Jack saw his lips twitch. "What? I can't believe you just said that."

Neither could Jack. Taking a deep breath, he felt his face flush with chagrin and embarrassment. "Let me rephrase that."

"I think you'd better." Daniel chuckled, but there was no corresponding playful light in his eyes.

"I'm responsible for you. Does that sound any better?" Jack gave him a wry little smile, embarrassment fading back to anger.

"It doesn't change the fact that you're angry because I risked my life for something I thought was important and you didn't."

"No, I'm not angry about that." Jack shook his head and met Daniel's gaze. "I'm angry because you made me choose between your life and the lives of other innocents."

"Either way, it was my choice to make," Daniel said, looking away. "I'm sorry. Really, I am."

"No. No, you're not. You'll do it again in a second. And worse. So would I." A spike of unwanted emotion seethed through Jack's chest as he recognized the truth of what he'd just said, the futility of this discussion.

"I know." Daniel looked at him, eyes dull, full lips compressed nearly flat. "I have to do what I know is right. I have to. You have to understand that."

Jack nodded, feeling every one of his years, and turned back toward the window. "I do, too, Daniel. And sometimes…sometimes I hate it." There wasn't anything more for either of them to say. "Go home."

"That's it? I'm dismissed? I don't think so, Jack." The determination in Daniel was an amazing thing. He never gave up. Never. Even when it was in his best interests to do so.

"Enough, already." Jack heard the rawness in his tone, the bitterness. The scalding emotions were getting harder and harder to hold back, and Jack wanted Daniel gone before they erupted. Daniel had done this to him, made him feel more than he wanted to, made him care about things more than he should. "I don't want to talk about it anymore. We've said all we can. It's time to let it settle. Please."

"Why do you get to decide this?" Daniel's eyes met his again, and Jack could see the persistence in them.

"Because I do. In case you haven't noticed, this is my house. And I've asked you to leave." Jack closed his eyes and sighed, trying to hang on to his anger. In the face of Daniel's obstinacy, it shouldn't have been as hard as it was.

"Jack, please. I can't leave it like this. We can't leave it like this."

Jack sighed again, his shoulders stiffening, still not looking at Daniel. "I can't talk about it any more. I can't."

"Why. What are you so afraid of?"

"I'm afraid I'll...." Hit him, or scream, or cry. All of which would be totally unacceptable in any situation, especially this one. The pressure in his chest was growing and at this point, Jack knew it had to be released, but not with Daniel here. He wanted to hit something. Hard. Wanted to hear it shatter into a million pieces and know it couldn't be fixed.

"What? What are you afraid of?" Daniel asked again. He had to press it, had to push, couldn't ever leave well enough alone.

Jack shook his head, his stomach churning, anger, sadness, hurt all mixing together. "I don't know. And I don't want to find out."

"Jack--"

"No. Daniel. I'll get over it."

"Will you? Really? This has got you far more upset than you should be." Sometimes Daniel was too fucking perceptive and sometimes, he couldn't buy a clue.

When all else fails, there's always the truth. "Daniel." Jack stopped and took a breath. "Doesn't your life mean anything to you? Anything at all?"

"Don't be an ass. Of course it does. But it *is* my life, and I chose to risk it."

"Fuck! Oh fuck." Jack vision blurred and that lifeless hollow feeling was expanding in his chest. "It broke my heart, Daniel. It broke my fucking heart."

Daniel crossed the room and put his hands on Jack's shoulders, his strong fingers digging into Jack's flesh. Jack knew Daniel could feel the tremors running through his body; he might even have an idea what they meant.

"Sorry," Daniel whispered softly, stepping closer and sliding his arms around Jack, gathering him close. "I'm sorry."

Jack knew he should pull away, but he didn't, couldn't. Pressing closer, Jack buried his face in Daniel's shoulder. Taking deep breaths against the twisting in his guts, he kept his eyes closed and hung on for dear life. Daniel held him for a long while, crooning softly, and Jack let him, soaking in his presence, and all he had to offer him.

"I'm here. I'm okay." Daniel smoothed his hands slowly up and down Jack's back. "It's okay."

His eyes were burning, and knowing his face must be flushed, Jack raised his head anyway. "It's not okay. It won't ever be okay."

"I know." Daniel pushed his head back onto his shoulder and held him tightly. "I know."

"I didn't want to have to kill you. I can't live with that." Jack pressed his face into Daniel, his voice breaking pathetically.

"I'm sorry. Words are so inadequate."

"I don't want to make that choice again." Jack's voice caught on a sob, and he started to shake again. This time, he knew he wasn't going to be able to hold back the tide of emotions crashing down on him, but he tried. He did try.

Holding him tighter, Daniel murmured softly against his head. "Shhh... It's okay. It's okay."

But it wasn't. Jack knew there was no way that Daniel could promise never to do it again, no way Jack could avoid making the same decision again. There would be times when they were at cross purposes, when they saw things fundamentally differently. There was no resolution for that.

A little comfort was all they could hope for.